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OfDreamsandDrama
Gender Female
Country United States
City Saint Paul
State Minnesota 
Height 5'3"
Eye Color Brown
Age 33
Smoker No 
Body Type A Few Extra Pounds  
Hair Color Black
Ethnicity Indian
Religion
 
   
   
   
Looking For Anything  
Do you drink? No  
Profession Student/Full-time Floater at CHM  
Willing to relocate? Possibly, who knows
Orientation Straight
   
   
Marital Status Single 
Do you have children? No 
Do you want children? Want Children 
Education Level Some College
   
Interests
About Me
Once upon a time...the mother has her struggles with alcohol, disappears for days at a time, leaves behind a man that waits for her, tries his best but heís not ready, neither of them were, and the oldest of the three kids takes it upon himself to look out for the younger two. And as things go, they come apart one day when the social worker shows up and the mother and the worker play a little game of tug of war with the youngest child, thatís me by the way, I still think about that day sometimes. And then things continue to go awry, a comedy of errors sort of thing. They couldnít have known that things would go so wrong, that those few years in care would mean that each of the three kids would incur problems and strife which would change each of them forever and in very different ways.
The oldest of the kids, well, it would become apparent that he suffered the most. I guess, in a way, monsters beget monsters, but, the thing about monsters is that theyíre people. And he was just a boy and it was never his fault, what happened to him. Maybe it was his own resentment but it constantly set him at odds with the younger two, whom he had to fend for. And it was only when I was older did I begin to realize that he probably saved my life at such a young age. I love him for that, I really do, I guess in some ways we had a paternal/child relationship. Not that would change our initial hatred for one another. And I did, I hated him, I probably even tried to kill him once or twice and he the same in regards to me. But, for all his shortcomings, he was a leader, and well, when you pit two strong personalities against one another then, things can get out of hand, combustible, and some scars will attest to that, on both sides. However, some of the places he would go; were dark places, and they changed things, changed him, changed all of us.
The second child, heís most like our father in certain respects, never talks about the past, doesnít acknowledge it. Heís always been that way. He also resented the other two the way most middle children do, and for other reasons, he possibly still does. But, he was also the one that acted out the most, and I still think it was unfair that he was often seen as the bad child, because I never believed that, I knew him better, he was and probably still might be my closest friend. He saved my life too, but in a literal sense. I was drowning and he thought nothing of diving in after me. We leaned on each other a lot, I more than him. So it kind of stung when he left. But I knew that he had to, I was probably the only one that kept in touch with him. Yet, he wouldnít have known that all his silence would come back to haunt him, I knew it, but I never wouldíve guessed as to how.
Then thereís the third child. The youngest, the dreamer, the one that would lose countless hours existing in a world in her own head; well, she was always the one that depended on the other two the most, for obvious reasons. But that too would all change. And suddenly she seemed to fracture her life, because, it was difficult to live two separate lives, it was hard to put on a smile and to scream internally with nobody to hear it. And thatís me, never was never good with intimacy or physical contact; I didnít like to be touched. So, she became an addict, and in time her problems became apparent to anyone that knew her. She would lock herself in a dark room and only go out at night. She would go days without saying a word. And she suffered from depression, a personality disorder, mood swings, was prone to violent outbursts, was manic, suicidal, and obsessed with her own death and furthering her own suffering because she thought that she deserved it, because she didnít want to become a monster too, but in her own way she became one, just not in the way she thought she would. And then she remembered that she too was just a girl, and then she got up off the ground, dusted herself off and started to rebuild where she once only sought to tear down. Because I figured out that nothing is ever truly broken, not even me, especially not me.
To put it in real terms, we, the three of us, each suffered from various forms of abuse; physical, emotional, sexual and it changed us. Each of us coped with it in different ways. And weíre still dealing with the repercussions, thatís what nobody ever really tells you, that you have to keep working on it, but thatís true of life itself, you always have to make the effort, you have to fight for the good days, for the good things, and you have to fight just to be here. You have to know that thereís never going to be a finite end, thereís never going to be eternal bliss or happiness because thatís not how life works, thereís only moments, moments of peace, moments of happiness and moments of life. Because thatís all life is, itís just a moment, and yet Ė itís everything, all things, you just have to remember that and take each of the moments and live them.
First Date
Who I'm looking for: ...I wish I knew what I look for. I think in general, someone who stands out from the crowd. Someone who is really passionate about things and not afraid to show it...someone who shows that he likes me and doesn't play games, but is still aggressive and not worried about filtering himself to make me happy. Someone who appreciates how passionate I am and understands the quest for true happiness...doesn't define happiness as just money and some prestigious job. He has to be adventurous, responsible, goofy, able to enjoy really simple times as well as the finer things in life...definitely someone who recognizes artistic beauty whether it's architecture, fashion, or literature...someone who asks strange questions and wants to know more about the meaning of things. I can't stand guys who don't stand up to me; I want to be challenged. I love chivalry, but only to a certain point. Sometimes when I say I want to do something, I really just want to do it. He has to recognize how independent and hard headed I am; sometimes let me be just that and other times take me down a notch. Someone who knows how and when to make me feel vulnerable because that's something I need to feel but am not going to do on my own. Someone who has a creative side and an outlet for expressing himself, like music, art, writing...but still has a very methodical and more proper side to counterbalance that. Someone who can play society's game and knows how to be very suave, but beneath that doesn't really care what people think and has his own ideas about things. Definitely not someone who puts on false pretenses or fronts, though. He has to be tactful but not the kind to care that he makes every single person happy, or is liked by every single person. And last but not least, a subtle and cute PDA-er, because I just think it's really meaningful to show someone how much you appreciate them when other people are around
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